Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
That eye roll….
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.