I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.