*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
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that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
2022 will be better than 2021
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
What?!?
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The Book. The Movie.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.