“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
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There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Called it
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
A customer told me they were never coming back….
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Same pineapple, same
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?