@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

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@IamJackBoot

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

@Jonesy_donkey

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

@hunbothered

All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.

@katy_fit

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

@InternetHippo

Frankly it’s disgusting that you would engage in character assassination by correctly describing to people something I did in the past

@SummerCandyEyes

The neighbor’s cat brought me a dead lizard while I was outside having a snack on the patio, so it’s now some weird interspecies potluck.

@KimMonte10

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

@sarcasm_inc

Men used to slay dragons, and here I am shuffling around like a penguin with my pants around my ankles looking for extra toilet paper.

@Nikkeya08

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

@WritePlay

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo