Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?


3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.


All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.


That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…


Frankly it’s disgusting that you would engage in character assassination by correctly describing to people something I did in the past


The neighbor’s cat brought me a dead lizard while I was outside having a snack on the patio, so it’s now some weird interspecies potluck.


Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread


Men used to slay dragons, and here I am shuffling around like a penguin with my pants around my ankles looking for extra toilet paper.


We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face


MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?