Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
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fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
we’re gonna need another temp
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.