Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.