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@ArfMeasures: Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
@QwertyJones3: BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it's made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
@ourvoyagemusic: I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says "May contain almonds." What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?
@SamGrittner: I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
@hipstermermaid: I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.
@remmarg_yelsel: With Instagram's new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.