@ArfMeasures

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

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@LindaInDisguise

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

@WilliamRodgers

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

@corinnemlwsw

This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.

@GrantTanaka

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

@brittwastaken

I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.

@ItsAndyRyan

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

@neerjagurnani

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

@zachreinert03

My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant

@fro_vo

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light