So far the fourth decade of 2020 doesn’t seem so bad
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
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The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.
You, a muffin, remain motionless.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light