I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.