Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
when there are deer in the woods
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
We have a winner.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.