Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so