[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
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Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.