Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter