Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.