@megantwentytwo

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

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@mom_ontherocks

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

@xLiserx

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

@Marlebean

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

@MidlifeDish

“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves

@Michael1979

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

@PleaseBeGneiss

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

@MariyaAlexander

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

@13spencer

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”