@megantwentytwo

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

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@SamDelanche

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

@DamonHunzeker

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

@Ygrene

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

@Sickayduh

Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park II
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park IIII
Jurassic Park IIIII
[this fence is taking forever]

@radtoria

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

@theroyaltramp

You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.

@VisionBored1

Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?

Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally

@darksidedeb

A giant lizard rebuilds Japan and the moonwalks into the sea. #ReverseAFilmPlot