Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Damn he played himself
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?