I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
After 25 years, 2018 is finally ending.
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids
“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”