I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Jurassic Park II
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park IIII
Jurassic Park IIIII
[this fence is taking forever]
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?
Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally
A giant lizard rebuilds Japan and the moonwalks into the sea. #ReverseAFilmPlot