Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
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“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again