when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
wtf is an acronym
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Jogging
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.