@computerfact

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

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@TashyP_

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

@GinAndJif

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

@Flykins

regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes

@captainkalvis

date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you’re in bed & go to take a sip of your drink but don’t feel like doing a sit up and start waterboarding yourself

@donni

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

@MuhamdIr

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

@juliussharpe

Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?

@JonasPolsky

Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.