humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Netflix: We have Less
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?