Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
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DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.
DOG: OMG THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]