Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

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Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.


DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.



My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.


*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*


The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.


If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.


(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?


For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.


Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket