Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.