Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.