humans only use 10% of their treadmills
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I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.