she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae