@SarcasticRover

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

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@Brianhopecomedy

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

@FINALLEVEL

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

@NewDadNotes

Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back

@stephenjmolloy

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

@zacharyflynn

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

@kbizzo30

Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car

@SvnSxty

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

@Marlebean

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

@TeaAndCopy

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

@RowanElHossary

I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.