I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
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Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.