My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Real House Wines.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].