@thenatewolf

Humans: we’re not like snakes

Also Humans: mmmm eggs

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@dmc1138

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

@Julian_Deane

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

@PatsATweetin

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

@CornOnTheGoblin

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

@MrScottEddy

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

@schmittsteve

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@junejuly12

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.