Humans: we’re not like snakes

Also Humans: mmmm eggs

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Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”


With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?


I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.


Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?



God: Get Noah on the line.


wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no


I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.


[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol


I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.