Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Humans: we’re not like snakes
Also Humans: mmmm eggs
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With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God: Get Noah on the line.
Is this thing on ?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.