Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.