Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

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Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say “close one”


“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”


I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.


If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.


When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.


[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*


How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.