@joshgondelman

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

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@Mickey_McCauley

Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say “close one”

@robdelaney

“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”

@caliluvgirl77

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

@AnitaHelmet

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

@jackiembouvier

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

@briancthayer

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

@phranqueigh

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.