Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
i think both sides are to blame here
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
No chill.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
broke down and did it
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out