I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Humidity – letting everyone know what you look like after long hot sex.
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If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.
One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O’Donnell.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?