@DvuslyMarvelous

Humidity – letting everyone know what you look like after long hot sex.

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@jus4golf

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

@knot_eye

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

@BDGarp

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

@SaraMansford

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.

@novicefather

One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O’Donnell.

@fro_vo

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

@spazrunsny

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

@SalimAliAhmad

Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?