Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Humidity – letting everyone know what you look like after long hot sex.
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids
Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
Mosh pit is just goth wrestling.