@DvuslyMarvelous

Humidity – letting everyone know what you look like after long hot sex.

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@robdelaney

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

@smerobin

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

@3sunzzz

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

@sammyrhodes

“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids

@keyboredest

Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.

@2sassy4anyH

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

@melpraktis

When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.