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If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
That’s fair
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely