So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Never forget.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?