Humor: the only thing I like dry.
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
i wish we could shoplift online