@olievl

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

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@ExploringUrMind

Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.

@BossyBritches72

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

@MouthOfSass

If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

@underchilde

Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:

1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions

@mynameisntdave

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

@daemonic3

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

@ColIegeStudent

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

@clindsaysway

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

@maebemarbles

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

@ilovepie84

Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid