Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
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Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.
Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:
1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid