You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You Might Also Like
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.