HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
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[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Blew out my flip flop…
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.