Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.


*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!


Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.


you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker


A prickle of porcupines
A murder of crows
A flamboyance of flamingos
A twitter of depressed, alcoholic perverts
A shrewdness of apes
A parla


8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*


[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*


wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on


Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.


I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.