Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Worth the read.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.