12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Dishonest mechanic?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet