hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
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I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.