@jamdugg

Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*

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@kieransofar

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

@parilani

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

@ThisLocalHater

[Running up to a burning house, out of breath, hands on my knees]

So when I was backpacking through Europe,

@TheBoydP

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

@Quartzjixler

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

@psybermonkey

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

@DanMentos

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

@AuthorGaylord

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

@TheDairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.