Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*

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wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related


[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!



[Running up to a burning house, out of breath, hands on my knees]

So when I was backpacking through Europe,


Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!


“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon



Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this


Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive


Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.


“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.


Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.