Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*