Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*

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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle


My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.


Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.


When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”


All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now


Biden: Oh boy, his car is here, quick let’s all hide
Obama: Joe pls


I keep getting people asking me if the coronavirus can be spread through sexual contact even if there is no exchange of air or touching of faces. If you can get this accomplished from 6 feet away, congratulations to both of you


Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.


*Sees thing on floor

*Vacuums over said thing

*Vacuum cant pick it up

*Picks up thing

*Looks at it

*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum


When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave