Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”


teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol


me: hey what the f-


Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.


guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that


#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!


Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities


You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.


Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish