“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
me: hey what the f-
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
For my 19000 tweet? A joke…