HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
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Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”