Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
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im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I cannot call her anything else now
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors