@Browtweaten

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

You Might Also Like

@Mom_Overboard

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

@mollzbenn

I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”

@Book_Krazy

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

@3sunzzz

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

@SoNotThePoint_

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

@Jake_Vig

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

@mommajessiec

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.