Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
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I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.