Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
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[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Greeting humans vs their dogs
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …