[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
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Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
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