Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
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There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.