[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
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Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Cartman: Respect my
a a
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.