*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
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Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”