Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
You Might Also Like
Jealous of how pineapples always have cool hair.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“We have one theory”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
[Calls an ex]
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…