@shopkins776

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

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@ItsMeHelenMary

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

@Death_Buddy

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@noog

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

@JohnLyonTweets

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

@bggas400

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

@AmberTozer

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

@JustMug

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…