Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
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Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Okay, I’m still confused…