Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

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[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.


Me: I don’t know how to dance to this kind of music

Beer: yes you do


Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720


Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.


Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: Casserole.
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor’s prescription for tacos) We’re eating tacos.


[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk


Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?


My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.


It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.