Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”