@kimtopher22: Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
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@hippieswordfish: Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search 'teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on '
@Smug_Lemur: Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
@FredTaming: boss: sorry, we have to let you go me: in the middle of a work retreat? boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
@bobvulfov: [gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles