Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
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My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.